“Even If”
Have you ever found yourself in the middle of one of your “even if” prayers to realize it’s nothing like what you expected? I have.
Seated on the concrete ground, with my foot propped up on my backpack, I watched as everyone else was moving around to prepare for the event I was supposed to take an equal part in. It was in my frustration of not being able to help in the way I wanted to that I got that ever so kind nudge from the Holy Spirit, “Remember, you prayed for this. You said, even if.”
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It was 2013 and I was attending a woman’s conference, seated in a sanctuary as a face in a sea of thousands, when my heart prayed “even if.” My mouth sang “Oceans” as my soul pled it. The pastor had just finished preaching about missions - local and international. They shared Romans 10:15, “How beautiful are the feet of those that preach the gospel of peace.” My spirit was stirred and all I wanted was to go, to do, to share. I remember saying, “Even if I have no feet, no legs, God, I’ll go.”
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Well, there I was, 2023 at another woman’s conference, only this time in Cuba, having gone only to find myself restricted in my mobility. You see, the mosquito bite I had boarded the plane with turned out to be a spider bite and my ankle was now three times the size it should have been as the infection slowly tried to eat a hole through my leg. It was there, on the ground, that I realized all I could do was pray. Admittedly, the thought initially came in an attitude of I can’t do anything else. But it was in that whisper of reminder that I realized it was all I needed to do.
The spider bite might have been trying to eat away at my ankle but what it was really destroying was my pride. My team and the locals kept asking how I was feeling and my only answer was humbled.
Here is what I am learning, God doesn’t need me. I believe He is sovereign and, by definition, that doesn’t depend on me. The beautiful thing though, God wants me. Just like He wants you too. It is in the obedience of our yes and accepting that we are wanted to do (and be a part of) the things of God that we get to see miracles happen. It is in the humbling of ourselves and realizing our expectations of His plans have nothing to do with us that we get to experience His glory.
God didn’t need me to be up, running around, moving chairs, and whatever else needed to be done. He had people to do the physical work. He also likely knew, being God and all, that I’d likely get lost in the business of it all. No, what I needed to do was to sit there. It was in being forced to sit, to be still, to pray that I was able to know that (just like it says in Psalm 46:10) He is God. I was able to witness life-changing and eternity-changing wonder in a way I never expected because I chose to hold true to my “even if.”
What’s really exciting is this fall (October and November) I have the opportunity to return to Cuba (twice, like last year) and share in the celebration of what God is doing there. I will be a part of two different teams - one for the same woman’s conference I was at last year and another for supporting the local churches in their daily ministry.
I am so excited to partner alongside the community I have built and my church and serve with a “Yes and Amen” attitude. I am also so excited to hug the faces of the friends I made last year and to laugh at each others’ stories through my broken Spanish and Google Translate. The expectation of the wonders of God I will get to experience just by being surrounded by worship that extends beyond language barriers already has me in awe. I already know I’ll be showing off the scar on my ankle as I get to continue the story of what God has done and is doing.
As I prepare to take part in these projects it is my ask that you’ll join me in praying. My prayer is that I continue to humble myself, to say yes and amen, and to listen and be obedient to those kind nudges and promptings of the Holy Spirit.
I understand this isn’t the traditional type of support letter most people send when doing funding for international trips. Those have their place. For me, this just isn't that place. That said, if you are interested in financially partnering with what God is doing in Cuba by way of sponsoring my trips you can do that electronically by clicking on either of these links: Trip 1 (Woman’s Conference) or Trip 2 (Local Churches) or if you’d like to contribute in another way - let me know.
As always, thank you for taking the time to read this. It always means the world to me because I know time is such a valuable thing.
Please feel free to message or call (870-761-6504) if you’d like to know more. I’d love to talk to you about any and all of it.
